The following takes place from a series of Facebook posts around the end of 2013. The things that occurred that holiday season changed my life forever.
* All other participants’ names in these conversations have been changed to vegetables to protect the innocent and stuff.
Me – There has been a ritz cracker on the step to my neighbor’s door for the past week. Happy Thanksgiving.
Spinach – Happy thanksgiving!
Lettuce – Enjoy your Spam and rice!
Me – I’ll probably go with the usual mcnuggets and cranberry sauce. Gotta make it festive
Carrot – You can come to my moms. Food at 4. Ham not turkey though
Me – I’m going to my dad’s. Don’t worry. There will be no spam or mcnuggets on this, the great day of thanks. Thanks for the offer!
Tomato – Eat the cracker
Me – Put some spam on it
Broccoli – Tis a Thanksgiving miracle.
Broccoli – HT DS
Zucchini – Happy Thanksgiving!
Me – Broccoli, What’s a HT DS?
Broccoli – Happy Thanksgiving Donovan Scherer!
Me – Ha! Hope you got a belly full of goodness!
Corn – So, is the cracker still there?
Me – Nope. Looks like the rats of Woodcreek had their meal.
Rutabaga – Don’t you think you should maybe check on him? ……ps: I’ve had a bee trapped in the headlight of my car for 4yrs, does that “one up ya”? lol
Me – I think that makes the bee count as a pet
Rutabaga – Lol!! It’s deceased.
Me – There are hobos sleeping on the floor of my apartment hallway. Stay classy, Woodcreek.
Lettuce – New friends!
Corn – That’s sad that Kenosha has hobos to sleep in your hallway.
Carrot – It must’ve got cold in the woods
Me – My hallway hobos have been missing for the past three days. So has the ritz cracker from my neighbor’s doorstep. Clearly, my neighbor has been baiting them to fulfill his vampiric thirst. If anyone cares to join, tonight at midnight I’ll be kicking down some doors and going Buffy on some mofos. Stakes and garlic will be provided. BYOB
Tomato – LMFAO!!!
Turnip – mmm. garlic stakes…
Okra – I’m rather interested in being converted to a dark one. If you know this pod is legit could you just hold off for a few hours while I run up in there and coax them into turning me. I swear I’ll get out of town. I’m thinking of feasting in London for a while. I feel like they’re cool with the vamp-life there.
Me – If I let you do this, I may have to come after you one day
Me – Last night I went after the hobo-eating vampire in the apartment across the hall. Kicked in the door, heard Disco Inferno playing in the darkness. After that, everything’s a blur. Woke up a little later than usual today. Gotta wash off the bloodstains and get down to Harbor Market!
Lettuce – Don’t let it crush your spirit!
Celery – More importantly, did you find the Ritz cracker?!
Me – Just the crumbs
Me – Slept in. Nothing to report for HoboWatch 2013 – The Winter Woes of Woodcreek.
Celery – Nothing at all?! frown emoticon
Me – Nada
Cauliflower – Are you sure you were not infected yourself and now you are the hobo eating devil machine yourself?
Me – Sure hope not! I did freak out seeing sunlight on Saturday, but I reckon that’s because I work too dang much to see it otherwise
Corn – Did you actually take a day off?
Me – Of course not. It was between jobs
Corn – Silly boy!
Me – Hmmm
Lettuce – Dare you to eat it.
Brussel Sprout – Stop baiting them!
Corn – I felt a chill go up my spine.
Carrot – Your move holy man
Artichoke – Its rigged ! Don’t touch it!
Me – Not sure where it came from. Gonna just wait and see what happens
Artichoke – Somebody’s trying to put some voodoo on ya
My mouth tastes like blood and Boone’s Farm. #timetostartflossingregularlytopreventthecursedGinvitis
Rutabaga – Boone’s Farm making a comeback? Flashback Thursday!
Me – I figured out why I haven’t been seeing my hallway hobos lately. Also learned how to fix a garbage disposal this morning. Thanks YouTube!
Asparagus – Did YouTube tell you where the hobos went?
Me – Nope. Just how to get the chunky goop to go down the drain. Figured out where the hobos went once I dug into the sink (the chunky goop was hobo parts)
Asparagus – Ah the homicidal Tyler Durdan complex. Makes sense.
Corn – You are clearly working too many hours!
Cauliflower – Sounds normal to me.
Me – Managed to stay awake through the drudgery of the Desolation of Smaug. Then, came home to a hobo-free hallway. Just a bunch of cats. #disappointment
Cabbage – Maybe put out a bowl of soup. They like soup.
Me – Just got caught baiting my hobo traps by the weird lady downstairs. Knew I should have waited till later.
Tomato – Kidnap her shes a witness!
Me – The old coot seems on the level. I don’t think she’s ever left the building and pretty sure that she has a couple of people that she keeps as pets.
Tomato – Knock on her door and ask for some sugar if she says no bum rush ur way in and check it out
Celery – so what is your plan?! you gotta set the bait!!
Me – Have to wait for her to get out of the hall. I think she’s trying to catch the cats that are living out there now.
Pepper – What’s a hobo trap?
Me – Ritz cracker on the doorstep. They can smell it from miles away
Pepper – Are yoou sure you’re not just attracting mice? And pigeons?
Me – Cats, mostly. I think they’re scaring away the hobos. They are natural enemies, after all.
Onion – Wait….you’re setting hobo traps and you’re calling the lady downstairs weird?
Me – Did I forget to mention she was cackling during her cat chasing. I never cackle while setting my traps. Snicker, maybe, but never cackle.
Cauliflower – I would recommend Ritz with peanut butter, sticks to the roof of their mouths, they will spend hours trying to puzzle that one out.
Me – Peanut butter would help hold the thumbtacks in place
Onion – It’ll also help to conceal the glass shards.
Me – And the chuckie cheese tokens
Me – She Who Never Leaves Her Apartment had a little solstice festival downstairs with the rest of her coven and her pet humans. I didn’t get invited to play along, but I do think I got some new readers for Fear & Sunshine.
Rhubarb – I love the books and completely decked out my bag with all the buttons I bought yesterday.
The van of She Who Never Leaves Her Apartment is in a different spot. The end is nigh.
I just paid sacrifice to the coven of She Who Never Leaves Her Apartment to keep myself safe during the coming witchpocalypse. Good thing I always have a trunk full of books about monsters.
Bring on the cold!
Squash – All your posts make me wonder what I missed out on by not choosing Woodcreek.
Me – Gotta adapt to survive in this place
Corn – Where, oh, where did I go wrong? LOL
Collard Greens – Like squrriels, keep feeding them, and they will keep coming back! Watch what you cause!
Me – Not sure if apple juice, or if the hobos are back
Me – In case I wasn’t clear, urine.
Cauliflower – Have you not found some type of repellent to keep them clear and from leaving their yellow juices about. All they are doing is scenting an area to allows others to find the location.
Me – It was gone when I got home from work so somebody must have flushed it
Tomato – Shoulda drank it
Me – No way! The hobos needed it to wash down the crackers
Tomato – Good point you’re always thinking one step ahead
Me – That’s why they are the prey
Tomato – We should slay them!
Me – Gotta practice population control. Only take what you need. Plus, hobo breeding season is soon. Next year’s harvest should be pretty dang spectacular
Tomato – We can make them a part of our movie lets film Vitos quest 2
Me – I’ll set some more traps so we can hold auditions
Tomato – Sweet
Okay, kids! That’s all there is. Well, there was more, but it was all pretty boring. Hope you had fun and remember – always keep your cupboards stocked with crackers. They are a versatile tool and can occasionally be a tasty snack.